she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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