The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
