Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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