The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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