vagina is talking i cant
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
