It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
