Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
