2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
