Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
