Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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