Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
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