Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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