You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
