I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
