Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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