i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
