Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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