ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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