I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
