lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
