loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
