I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
