I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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