im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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