oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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