Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This baby is an asshole
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize