i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize