he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
