Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
