I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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