You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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