I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
