I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
