first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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