they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
