i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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