o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I booty called her while she was in labor.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
