Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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