a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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