highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
