discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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