how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
