So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
