I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
