I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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