I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
