someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
