Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
