I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
