I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize