sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
