highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
