I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
