Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
