My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
