Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
