do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
