Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
