the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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