Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
