so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
